Subject: "Drummin' Dave" Ostwald

A.K.A. (most recently): Crazy Dave, Animal Exhausted, Manimal, Beast, Slave, Baltimoron, Virion, Lucky Pierre the Impaler, Arch-Commander Blackdeath, Caveman, Pimp-Daddy Double-D, and multiple others...

Drummin' Dave's first appearance in our Solar System was documented circa 5000 B.C. by early Egyptians, who referred to him as Typhon (Set). Similar instances are evident in other ancient civilizations--for example in Hindu mythology, he is called the Dancing Shiva and depicted as the many-armed Lord of Destruction. In early Babylonia, the Beast came to be known as Bel-Merodach (Marduk), a nightmarish creature bearing the head of a wolf, a lion's paws, eagle's wings and feet, and the stinging tail of a serpent or scorpion.

Rumor has it, Dave's form came straight out of the Sun and fell to Earth in a flaming ball of light. It returns in regular cycles (especially during summer or winter solstices) for an unknown purpose which remains a mystery. Regardless, this pattern has repeated unbroken into the present age, which is why Drummin' Dave is often referred to as a "son of the Sun" (or erroneously by some as a "son of a gun").

Little more is known of Drummin' Dave's true origins, since all who have gotten close to him never lived long enough to learn much or give a full account. His exact age remains vague. He has lived through countless ages and been described in many different world mythologies. Why he chose to plague the planet Earth (and not one of the other billions of planets in our galaxy) also remains a mystery.

In his present incarnation, the modern-day Drummin' Dave was raised by a pair of gypsies--musicians in a travelling circus. His "parents" soon discovered music soothed the Beast. Some classical compositions were even able to put him into a deep sleep.

This pattern continued for less than a decade, at which time (in the late 1960s), Drummin' Dave discovered he could create a trans-dimensional portal for his fellow demons to join him in our galaxy. This may be Dave's ultimate purpose: to be the scout for a trans-galactic colonization effort by members of the Netherworld known as the Ancient Ones--forces which once dominated the Earth (as they did on all planets trillions of years ago) and have been vying to regain this Universal control for millennia (as described in an arcane text entitled the "Necronomicon"--Library of Congress ISBN #0-666-26946-1).

By equipping Drummin' Dave's bedroom with a radio to keep him quiet, his gypsy parents accidentally exposed him to rock-and-roll music. His mutant brain chemistry soon memorized the power-chord harmonics and tribalistic rhythms that permit his trans-dimensional portals to materialize. In this same way, Dave has learned to raise and commandeer undefeated armies of re-animated dead corpses, the numbers of which are growing every year.

Dave was taught to play piano and violin. He learned to sing, all the while pretending his intentions were pure. He received excellent grades in school, apparently due to an uncanny intelligence caused by contact with fellow Ancient Ones. In moments of intense concentration, Dave's classmates claimed he appeared to be under a trance, as if possessed.

In his teen years, Dave began forming rock bands to further his goal of facilitating the Ancient Ones' return to Earth. This is how he initiated his ongoing onslaught of dark, "death metal" sound and mayhem.

Following college, a brief stint in the military (details double-double-top-secret classified) and his official entry into the U.S. working-class force, Drummin' Dave went on to gain a certification in genetic engineering. He usurped the biomedical industry and managed to splice genes from hallucinogenic plants into leafy-green California crop vegetables (commonly known as "salad") which thereafter hybridized and caused the resultant mind-altering compounds to become virtually ubiquitous across the planet--further confusing the human race and aiding him along his ultimate mission.

Surprisingly, we have found Drummin' Dave is sympathetic to many forms of life, including even humans. His basic instinct does not discriminate between common animals and the more sapient members of our own species. He considers all living creatures to be on an equal plane of "Common Consciousness". Unfortunately, this also accounts for his unusual diet. (Description and photographs omitted...)

During the mid-nineteen-eighties, Drummin' Dave was first suspected of ritualistically sacrificing former band-mates to pagan deities and serving their cooked livers (with Italian chianti wine and fava beans) to members of his roadie crew.

After multiple hacks into classified military systems were linked in 1993 to Internet nodes in the vicinity of an unknown fortress in the Howell Mountain district of California, Drummin' Dave was placed into the federal penitentiary, high-security prison of San Quentin, California. This proved to be a grave mistake: within a year Dave managed to hypnotize the entire facility (including its wardens, guards and peace officers) and cause a major crime wave in the Northern San Francisco Bay Area (commonly referred to as "The Winters"). The anarchy which followed (referred by members of the Underground as "El Niño Verdad") continues into this day. By the turn of the Millennium, its range already extended as far East as Salt Lake City, Utah, North into British Columbia, Canada, South beyond Agua Azul, Mexico, and West past Kapa'a, Kauai, Hawai'i. The effects of "El Niño Verdad" have heretofore proven unstoppable, having now spread globally even before the year 2001.

In 1994, Dave was joined in wedlock to a (NAME WITHHELD) a.k.a. Durgha Kaur, daughter of the most prominent and sympathetic Sikh tribe leader of North-Eastern India. This symbolized his renewed committment to the Ancient Ones' global reclamation of the Earth, and the union of all corners of the planet under one indominable force.

Drummin' Dave and his new wife (NAME WITHHELD) claimed a territory in the Howell Mountain regions overlooking the misty ranges of the backward county of Pope Valley, California. Here, they frequently cook spicy tofu and vegetable dishes to appease the Beast's cravings for raw meat and lymphatic tissue. In confrontations, Dave typically escapes via trans-dimensional teleportation to their unassailable fortress there, a structure with walls thick enough to absorb even the force of a nuclear blast, and made from the very earth itself. It is therein that he is able to practice his drums without detection.

The property is known to be extremely forbidding, in part due to its surrounding bands of fast-moving, carnivorous thorn plants and local hordes of feral, blood-thirsty felines. Invaders--especially those setting foot in his wild mushroom fields--are typically ground by loyal neighboring gypsies into animal feed at the local "vegetarian" market. Only small warning signs are posted with the cryptic words "KALO TARO". Entrance into these territories or their vicinities is considered extremely risky.

At this time, Drummin' Dave restricts his musical practices strictly to the double-bass drums. Besides a knack for instantly putting other intruments out of tune upon touching them, Dave has discovered the discordant notes which naturally flow from his aura raise even more demons when applied to his instrument of choice. Oddly enough, this phenomenon has been found to generate--in a matter of minutes--great amounts of heat and energy--in excess of the yearly wattage output at even our most productive nuclear generators. This may be due to the flux of cosmic and gamma radiations detected upon each release of Ancient Ones into our dimension.

Most recently, Drummin' Dave has apparently been absorbed into the ranks of the notorious and highly-talented group "Enslavior" of the secret society "Valley of the Moon". His previous group had discovered they were deluged with gobs of green goo after each band practice and could not support the activity any longer. However, intelligence investigations have reported Dave's new band may have found a way to channel this by-product into massive stacks of greenback bills. Although Enslavior is still trying to figure out ways of using this apparently endless source of free currency without detection, it is sure they will be applying their financial prowess towards the ultimate completion of the rebirth of the Ancient Ones on our planet, and to fuel their further intention for Intergalactic Colonization and the restoration of the "Ultimate Destiny" as predicted by high Tribe leaders in the Ancient Ones' secretive ministry.

Drummin' Dave is not without more subtle influence in the political realm. National Security reports confided in 1998 that Monica Lewinsky admitted: "Drummin' Dave made me do it!" when interrogated concerning her lacivious relations with President William Clinton.

With all this power at his beckon, National Security agents are constantly surprised by Drummin' Dave's appearance, as he consistently lives in a state near that of poverty. Most of his finances (if any) are distributed among charity organizations or controlled by other Ancient Ones. He is only one of many, and this gives a good idea of the nature of our problem.

In summation, government agencies are hopelessly powerless against Drummin' Dave and the Dark Army. He elludes further investigation behind the facade of supposedly designing web pages from home for highly-influential American Ambassadors to overseas nations. (This task was assigned him under the auspices of the Department of Corrections, as one condition in the agreement he negotiated, that led to his release in late 1993.)

Recent, unsupportable allegations claim he is recording illegal sound compositions on home-made super-computers which employ multiple instances of the nefarious G4 microchip (classified by U.S. armed forces as a military weapon).

Conclusion: In the face of the imminent threat posed by the re-emergence of the Ancient Ones, our future as the dominant species on the Earth appears inevitably ill-fated. The most we can hope for is their pity, and it is in the Agency's best interest to keep the truth of this eventual doom hidden from the American public. Ironically, our desperate situation may find subterfuge--albeit randomly--from Drummin' Dave himself (due to his genuinely philanthropic nature). Ideally, he might influence his fellow conquerors towards a similar sympathy...